There She Blew!

So it finally caught up with me yesterday. I finally snapped. It was bad. It could have been worse. But it was still bad.

Let's start with the back story. One of the most aggravating things about this upcoming deployment is how much it is costing us. Yes, it's about $$$$ this time. We are living on one income. (I have yet to find a job and we have lived here for almost a 1 1/2 years. But let's save that for another entry.)

 My husband is in the military and is paid to do his job in the military. However, he feels that in order to do his job well (a top priority for him, obviously) he has to supplement the gear that he has been issued personally and for the section that he is in charge of with his own funds. The first gear issue he received, nothing fit correctly. Apparently they received everything in L, XL, and XXL. (Yes my husband is tall, but not tall enough to wear Medium Extra Long) I knew how frustrated I was and I couldn't even imagine how frustrated he was. What makes this even worse is that he just received a brief from HQ about all of the cool gear that was part of the deployment issue and how much of it they have stocked in warehouses. He was hardly issued any of it, and what he was issued, didn't fit. About a week later, he was able to go exchange it all. But is still not issued everything that he was told. Even the items that are on his unit's own gear list are not there. How is he supposed to pack everything that is on the list, if he doesn't have it?

Then there are the comfort items. It is hard to tell your husband that he really doesn't need something that he says he needs when he is about to go fight a war on the other side of the world. Try it. The words just don't come out of your mouth. No matter how badly you want them too. Every time he mentions something else I hear the sound of a cash register and I see our bank account shriveling into nothing. So yesterday we were at a military surplus store buying dog tags and uniform patches because the ones they got from supply didn't fit on their uniforms (insert one of the many WTF faces here). Husband comes walking up to the register holding a field chair and that was it. I stopped him before he even got to me to ask me about it. I said quite loudly, in front of every one at the store (including one of his superiors) that he couldn't get it and went on and on about how we can't pay for this deployment when the military is supposed to be funding this etc etc... I was treating him like a child that asks their mom for the millionth time if they can get some ice cream at the mall. The clerk was laughing. He didn't think it was very funny. He told me later that I had embarrassed him and I felt horrible. I told him how I felt about all of our spending and how frustrated I was and how we just couldn't afford all of this.
I was hoping I could handle this situation with a little more grace and a lot less public displays. Hopefully this was a one time thing and since I released some of my tension it won't happen again.

On a lighter note we are going on a date tonight. My parents (who are super awesome!)gave us a gift of $100 to spend on a night out before husband leaves. So we decided to go to the

Melting Pot!!!

I love this restaurant. I think it is the perfect date restaurant because it's interactive and because it takes longer that most restaurants, it give you time to talk and enjoy each others company. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

Final Countdown!

First I have to apologize. The point of this blog was to chronicle my first deployment. I can't really do that if I'm not writing anything. There has been so much going on the past few weeks. So busy we have forgotten about garbage day for the last two weeks (talk about stinky!). We have been working on getting wills, pre-deployment briefs, purchasing last minute items and of course packing...

As we get closer to the saddest day of my life date of departure, I have finalized my list of goals that I hope to accomplish during this deployment.
1. Learn another language- Well at least enough to get by if I was abandoned and no one knew how to speak English. I was thinking Spanish.
2. Tone and Firm- I can get a free personal trainer at the base gyms. They also have group exercise classes like spin, power yoga, kettle bells and zumba.
3. Clean out and organize our study- This room has become a black hole. It is the "not sure where we should put this, so lets just put it in the study and shut the door when company comes over" room.

Before pictures so someone can hold me accountable.

4. Take more cake decorating classes- I took the basic class at Michael's and I really enjoyed it. They have 3 more intermediate classes that build onto it.
5. Volunteer- There are so many opportunities to give your time to the community and on base it's hard not to find something you enjoy. I have already started volunteering with some of the programs on base and I hope do a lot more.
6. SAVE LOTS OF MONEY!!! - this is the perfect opportunity to build up our savings. I also have plans of getting a job after the holidays are over. Something where I can work nights and weekends to keep me busy as well as earn a little extra moolah.

On another note, I am a little more frustrated with a shorter fuse than usual. Not sure if it is the upcoming deployment or fatigue. But I did talk to my husband and he seems to think it is the deployment. I don't usually let things like this get to me. He has gone away before (some times with only days notice and for months at a time) and it's never been a big deal to me. I mean I miss him and I am sad that he is gone, but I know it's all part of the job. A job that he loves doing. I know that he couldn't be happier doing anything else and that always makes it okay. Sometimes I think it shocks him how okay I am with it. He always explains where, when and why he's going multiple times thinking that I don't understand because I'm not upset. I've told him that I understand that his job takes him away a lot and has long hours. I've accepted that and try to be as supportive as I can because I know he loves his job. It doesn't matter how upset or worried I get, it's not going to make his command let him stay home. So, I'm a little upset that this is getting to me. I want to make the best out of this situation and getting frustrated at people and the things happening around me is not going to help at all. Just need to find some motivation to get through this because it hasn't even started yet.

Emotional Stages of Deployment

A workshop that my friend, who is married to a marine, works at discusses the emotional stages of deployment. I highly recommend this workshop if you are stationed on a marine base. They have classes for spouses, Navy wives, parents and kids. The list is taken straight from their textbook and is just a generalized list of emotions that may be experienced.

1. Anticipation of Loss

- Ignore or deny that deployment will actually happen.

- Fantasize that something will happen so your spouse does not have to leave.

- Difficulty accepting the reality of leaving.

- Crying at unexpected things.

- Increased tensions that could causes arguments.

- Need to get all the "projects" done.

- Difficulty with intimacy.

- Feelings of anger, frustration and emotional distance between couples.

2. Detachment and Withdrawal

- Sense of despair.

- Feeling that the marriage is out of control.

- Making decisions is difficult.

- Withdraw into yourself by not sharing emotions.

3. Emotional Disorganization

- Relief that the "goodbye" part is over, but feeling guilty for the relief.

- New routines develop, but overwhelmed by all the new responsibilities.

- Sleeping is difficult due to loss of security and the spouse.

- Anger towards your spouse for not staying and made at the military for making them go.

4. Recovery and Stabilization

- Comfortable and capable of all your new roles.

- Able to reach out for support.

- Feeling of self confidence and independence.

- Going through the "my" syndrome.

5. Anticipation of Homecoming

- Compile a list of things to do before your spouse comes home.

- Excitement and anticipation of the return.

- Questions of "Does he/she still love me?"

- Changing the house to reflect an "our" house feeling.

- Start changing patterns back to the way they were before your spouse left.

6. Renegotiation of the Marriage Contract

- May feel a loss of independence.

- Start being a "married" spouse again.

- Share roles, responsibilities, and decisions.

- A feeling of too much togetherness.

- Hesitation towards intimate relations.

- Falling in love again!!


Sounds like a roller coaster! I think I'm going through Stage 1 right now because I recognize two emotions. There are so many things I want to do and get done before he leaves. I have to remember that we will have plenty of time when he gets back. I just passed the part where I start to cry at unexpected things. Glad that's over! I was starting to think I was pregnant for a minute there. 

First Lesson

          My Husband and I have just had our first lesson together about deployment. It is called "Life Doesn't Stop Just Because Your Preparing For and Enduring One of the Most Challenging Trials of a Military Marriage." 

          We had just finished our pre deployment leave, visited family and friends while enjoying some much need time off. The Sunday night before he had to return to work, we were lying in bed about to go to sleep talking about how strange it felt that things were about to be back to normal. Our everyday routine was about to start again and it felt good. We were about to go to sleep in our own bed, at an acceptable time, wake up early and start the day with our jobs and daily chores. Returning to our average, normal, everyday life felt strangely relaxing. Don't get me wrong, we love the time we had to spend with our family and friends, the days where we could just do whatever we wanted at whatever time we wanted. The endless hours we had together during his time off was just what we needed. 

         We woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to go. Husband had been at work for about 30 minutes and I was getting dressed and ready when he received a phone call from the hospital where his father was recovering from surgery. They were preforming CPR and it didn't look good. They called him back about thirty minutes later and told him the devastating news. I ran out of the house mid-shower and rushed over to his office. I expected that as soon as I showed up I would whisk him away back to the comfort of our house. But when I got there he said he needed to stay and finish up some business. 

*Reality Check* 

          He still had a job to do. He hadn't been to work in three weeks and before that he was at a career course for two months. He hadn't been in his office for more than three days in almost 3 months. He couldn't just drop what he was doing and go crawl back in the bed with me no matter how bad he felt. He had to make sure his job got done and got done right for the sake of the mission. He finally came home around 1500 (3:00). The next morning we drove 12 hours to his home. The next two weeks after that were spent taking care of his father's final arrangements and tying up loose ends. If you have ever been in this situation you know that two weeks is hardly enough time, but we did the best we could and it worked out. 

         Since his dad's passing we have tried to focus on things that we are grateful for in this situation. There aren't many but the few there are have kept us going. First we are beyond grateful for the understanding of his command. This has probably provided the most comfort for us, because of the support he has in his unit. They told him to take the time he needed and while he was gone, he received maybe one phone call from work. The other thing we are grateful for is the timing. Though there is never a good time, we are glad that it wasn't while he was deployed. This situation could have been much harder and much more complicated to deal with if he was on the other side of the world, with limited leave (if any at all). Another thing we are grateful for, though strange maybe, is the people we met during this process. Everyone we dealt with, from the funeral home, to the Probate court (big surprise there) was more than accommodating and helpful. We also met people in his dad's life that Brent had only heard of and some had never heard of. People he used to work with, family who even lived in the same town, friends who he spent time with their children, taking them to see the air show when it came to town. As a person who comparatively did not really know his father ( I only knew him for about 3 years and in that time only saw him 7 times, but we did talk on the phone.) meeting all of the people that walked into the funeral home and looking at all of the faces in the pews during his service was like a small peek into his life. It is always amazing to think about the amount of people one person can have an impact on. I was grateful that I was able to get this glimpse and meet his family and friends who we hope to keep in contact with as time goes on. 

Hello!

Greetings all! I have been wanting to write a blog for sometime now. I love reading them and thought it would be even more fun to write one. So here goes. Obviously, if you didn't get it from the title, this blog will chronicle my life before, during and after the deployment of my husband. We have been married for a little over a year and this will be his second deployment, and my first. As soon as I joined the military community I have been preparing for the "D" word as almost every event I attended it was discussed (even if there wasn't one scheduled).  There are seminars and briefs to attend, classes to take and groups to join that are all dedicated to helping families make it through deployment. So far my husband and I are in the preparation stage; filling out will worksheets, writing important pre-deployment dates on the calendar, visiting friends and family during pre-deployment leave, and creating the deployment budget. So I guess it has officially begun!